Weight Loss

I am now over weight by about 90 lbs....WOW it was hard to write that on a blog that other people can actually read. So many awful thoughts come into my head as I think about this. I know that these are not the thoughts that God wants me to have so I am deciding to take these thoughts captive and give them back to him.


I have lost all of my excess weight before. I think that it was about 11 years ago. I was completely dependant on God. I would pray that he would stop me from overeating. I would ask Him every morning to walk with me on this walk. If I needed to go to the store I asked Him to come with me so I would not buy anything that I shouldn't. Then I got pregnant with my 4th. I thought that he was a girl my whole pregnancy. When he was born I was mad at God. "REALLY?!?! Four boys...UGHHHHHHH" I so desperately wanted a girl that I did not care what God's plan was. I had almost convinced my hubby that we should adopt a girl then I found out I was pregnant again. God would not give me ANOTHER boy right? WRONG. 5 boys. UGHHHH. Please don't get me wrong, I LOVE each of my boys with everything that I have and I fell in love the minute I held each of them. I just wanted a girl.

I have allowed my anger and bitterness to take over. I know that I am an emotional eater. I eat when I am happy, sad, anger, bitter, board...you name it and I will give you a reason why I should be eating. I also binge eat and hide food(mostly candy) from my family. Why? I don't know.

About 3 months ago God changed my heart. I heard about a young boy who needs a "forever" family. Yes, I said boy. WHY.WOULD. I.CONSIDER.A.BOY??? All I can say is only God!! As I heard this child's story. I knew that he was suppose to be with us. I knew that this family could give him what he needs. Hmmmmm...ok God I get it...all boys. Is he here? No, not yet. Do we know if we will be able to call him "son" or "brother"? No not yet. But I am praying for this and trusting that God knows what is best for this young man!

As a result of this young man, I have repented of my behavior and anger. I have started to get back on track with God. I am reading the Word more and more. I am praying through everything again. I am also handing this weight thing back over to God. I have read a few GREAT books about weight loss. Loss if For Life and Made to Crave. I am made to crave... my God. If I don't fill up on him I will try to fill up on other things. For me it is food but for others it could be something different.

Lord, as I try to walk with you on this journey I just want to hold your hand. Help me to focus on you and you ways. When I fall lift me up. Be my strength and fortress!

Boys

I.LOVE.MY.BOYS!!! Last night I got to watch Wesley and Ian being friends! They were laughing together. Joking together. Just enjoying each other. Yesterday I caught a glimpse of what good friends these two boys will be as they get older. When grade levels and "being cool" don't define who they are. When they are two men of God grown with families of their own. I am not really close to my brother and sister. I want this closeness for my boys. I pray that the Lord will allow them to be friends no matter where they live in this big big world!
Thank you Jesus for these boys! Thank you for the privelage of being their mama!

REALLY???

I have not written in a VERY long time but today I just need to write. My heart is heavy, so very heavy. Here is why. I was at a friends house yesterday. She has 2 beautiful bio children and 2 beautiful children who were adopted from Uganda. I love them all so much, they are such a joy to be around (and I just get to be the fun Mrs. Stolte!) I have not been over there for awhile. I was in Michigan helping my mom and then came home and stayed in my house making costumes for my son's Theater preformance. O' wait I did mention that I made 8 costumes for the preformance. Anyway, yesterday I went to D's house and we were talking. She read an email to me and my heart shattered into 1 bazillion pieces. I am in utter shock and disbelief. A family adopted 2 boys from the same orphanage that she got her two beautiful treasures from. They came home this past Dec. and as of a few weeks ago the had relenquished all rights to those boys. 3 months people, 3 months...how do you bond in 3 months, how do you work through their issues in 3 months, how do you walk away from 2 children (they are 5 and 7 years old) in just 3 months. I don't get it!! I am trying REALLY hard not to judge, I am trying REALLY hard not to be angry!


I want these boys...I just do not know where to begin. Only God...Only God!!

Summer

Summer is Here!!!!! I always have mixed feelings about this. I love having my boys home and not having a schedule. I love that we can have a fire in the back yard and not worry about what times the boys are going to bed. I love that the boys can sleep in if they want to. I love that we can just pick up and go somewhere with out having to worry about it. What I don't like is the first 2 weeks when we have to learn how to be together all day long again. It is hard! They are playing well with each other right now so I guess that is good. I will wait and see how long the quiet last.
I cleaned out Shane and Mitchell's room and all that is left in there are bionicles(a big bucket of parts), lego, kinexs and tinker toys. They have been in there every day creating. Unbelievable!! They were just overwhelmed by all of the stuff. They never wanted to play in there before. Yippee for simplifying!! Maybe this transition time will be good.

Crazy Love

I met Linny by way of a wonderful friend who is adopting and had mentioned Linnys site in one of her post. Since that day I have been inspired and drawn closer to God by reading her blog. I am starting to Simplify my family's life (let me tell you...simplifying their bedrooms was TONS of work) and trying to focus on what is important! This is a very emotional journey for me as I am one of "those" people who hold on to everything simply because someone special gave it to me. God is moving BIG TIME in my heart and I know that where he leads is where I need to go!

One of Linny's blogs was about the CRAZY LOVE summer that her church is doing. That post came at exactly the right time. Our women's bible study had just finished reading the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. Wow...an amazing book, a great blog post and a truly amazing God all of which motivated me to reach out and do some crazy love this summer!

I attend an inner city church which likes to claim that they "support other missions in the inner city financially". We do this, BUT sometimes I feel like it is a bit of a cop out. "I will give my $$ but don't ask me for my time." Don't get me wrong...the financial giving is right. "To whom much is given much will be expected." It just seems to easy. We want our safe lives in the suburbs. I have been struggling with this for quite a while now. What does this have to do with CRAZY LOVE? Let me tell you. As we were walking out of church last Sunday, there was a man sitting on the step. I was one of the last people out of the building. This means about 150 people walked by him before me. In our city one of the ways that unemployed inner city people can make $$ is to sell a paper that is written about the inner city. They buy it for $.50 and sell it for whatever amount people want to give. I have to admit, I walked by this man too. Me, and my beautiful family. As we got into the truck ready to head back off the the suburbs I heard God say "buy it". I didn't question, I told Jeff to stop and jumped out of the truck. Jeff had gotten chocolate bars for Fathers day (he got 2 because we still have 2 kids in Sunday School) . I grabbed one of those and all of the change that I could find, jumped out of the truck and walked over to this man. I handed him the chocolate bar first. Then I handed him all of the change that I had. I wished him a blessed Sunday and he said to me "it is the last paper that I have. I just prayed that someone would buy it so I could go. Thank You!" Crazy that something so little could show what an awesome God we have. Crazy that it took nothing but listening to God to show this man Crazy Love. Why was I the only one of about 150 people to stop and help? Why are we so judgemental and condemning when it comes to those in the inner city? I include myself in these whys because I have been there. Really, I am here to show God's amazing Love to others. I am trying to lay the "me" down and picking up a bit of "Jesus" everyday. CRAZY?!?! No doubt about it. Living for Jesus is crazy and that is just who I want to do!!

Thanks Linny for starting this crazy love blog!! Thank You Jesus for moving in my heart to want to show crazy love and please please help those in my bible study who have committed to showing crazy love this summer. Amen

I can't wait to read more crazy love post!!

Ian

Ok...stressful!!! I go to the dentist(this was not bad at all) and thinking that I should use cell phone manners I turn off my cell. This is the right thing to do right? Well...let me tell you, my phone will not be going off anymore. I will have it on vibrate in my pocket if I am in a place where cell phones are taboo!
Here is my story... I am happily getting my teeth cleaned and the find a cracked filling. It is on a root canaled tooth so they decided to fix it on the spot. I a get done at about 9:50 (my appointment was not until 10:00 I messed up and went in at 9:00 so they said sure 9:00 is fine) then I go to buy a few groceries. As I am standing in the store I get this feeling that I should just go to the school." HMMM " I think "ok, there must be pictures there for me to get done." I leave and head off to school. As I walk in the front door I get. "He's in the back" ,"Shanna he is laying down you need to get to him" , "Shanna did you get our message?" I look blankly at the many faces saying my name and finally a friend says "she doesn't know what happened!" She looks at me and says " Ian had a seizure in class he is laying on the couch in the staff room." In that instant my little boy's life flashed before me. By the time I got to him he was just tired. An after effect of having a seizure. The teacher came down and talked to me. Ian seized for about 3 minutes and then was disoriented for about 30mins. He would not talk and did not recognized his teacher. He came out of it and walked down to the office where I found him. He was pale as a ghost when I got to him. I brought him home and he slept for 1 1/2 hours. This is normal for someone who has seized. When he woke up he was fine. He wanted to go play...I made him lay on the couch and watch soccer(yippee for world cup soccer!) I phoned my doctor and got him in to see her today. She thinks that it is some kind of seizure disorder and is ordering a ekg and a visit to a pediatric neurologist.
Wait time?? who knows. I know that God was involved in getting me to the school to get Ian. I know that he can get this appointment for me fast! I am praying that my God will move mountains and get us in ASAP! God is good and I know that he loves Ian more than I ever can and he has his hands wrapped around him. That is what I am clinging to as all kinds of things play out in my head. The devil is trying to trap me in the "what if" trap and I am not going to fall for it. My God is Greater than this and will support us no matter what!! God is good and his love endures forever!!

Molly

12 1/2 years ago we went to the SPCA and saw her. For Wesley it was love at first sight. I had to think about her and Jeff had to be convinced she was right for us. We went back the next day and she was still there. We brought her home. It was not a 2 way love relationship at first. She had to go to dog training because she had VERY bad doggy manners. We worked with her. She worked her magic on us and we fell in Love! Now, 12 1/2 years later we had to say good-bye!

I told the boys yesterday after school that we were taking her to the vet today. Their response was to be expected. Wesley was sad...she was his dog. Ian did not say much. Braden was even quieter. Shane was MAD!! Mitchell really did not understand. My heart broke not only for me but for my boys as I struggled watching them deal with death up close and personal for the first time. They love.cuddled.snuggled.spoiled and played like crazy with her yesterday. Today was different. We woke them up and they did not want to go to school. Shane was crying and so was Ian. Wesley was just plain sad. Braden wanted to go to school so he did not have to deal with what was to come and Mitchell did not really understand. I let them stay home. They laid on the floor with Molly. They took pictures. They loved her with all the love they had left to give her and she loved them! They said good-bye. I cried some more.

I took the boys to school. Shane had his last swimming class today. I went with. I came home and cried some more. I snuggled, loved, cuddled, and spoiled her. I cried some more. Jeff came home from work at 1pm. We got Molly in the car. Jeff had to pick her up. I cried some more. We dropped Mitchell off at Rhys' house and went to the vet. Jeff stayed in the car with Molly. I went in and made all of the decisions and paid. I went to the door and saw Jeff walking Molly. I cried some more. Jeff brought Molly in and we took her to the room. I was not just crying, I was bawling. The vet came and talked to us. She told us what would happen. I just kept pouring out all the love I could to Molly. She was in pain and I had to do what was right and stop that for her no matter how hard it was for me. She is gone. There is an empty spot in my heart. I know that not everyone can understand it. She was part of me. Even when I was mad because she got into the garbage, or did her business on the floor...I. LOVED.HER! I already miss her like crazy!

It is going to be hard, and some days will be better than others. I will cry, I will be sad, I will be lonely BUT I will continue on and remember the love that she gave to me. Unconditional, pure and sweet!

I miss you Molly girl. You were the best dog ever!